'We cannot change what we cannot acknowledge’

If men don’t transform their pain, they will eventually transfer their pain.

This is one of the key messages of Families South Africa (Famsa) Western Cape’s Men Stopping Violence Group for men who have abused their partners.

The group, which meets every Thursday from 5pm to 6.30pm, has been running since 1991.

Some participants have been referred to it through the courts, while others have signed up voluntarily to improve their relationships with their partners, says Famsa facilitator Lesley Thomas.

“My work is to facilitate a process (of healing) and look at why men are doing what they are doing and explain to them how important it is to open up,” he says.

“The first step is to acknowledge what they have done because we cannot change what we cannot acknowledge. Every week when the men come in, they will speak about what brought them to the group, what exactly is the violent incident that brought them to the group, and we take it from there."

Participants also get to open up about their pain in a safe space. This, says Lesley, is crucial to their healing process.

“The motto at Famsa is we build relationships, but we make it clear to the men that they first have to build relationships with themselves before they can engage and be in relationships with someone else.

“They first have to transform or work with their pain because, if we don’t transform our pain, we transfer our pain,” he adds.

For more information about the Men Stopping Violence Group, contact Famsa Western Cape at 021 447 0170.